"MY HEART DOG"

My Heart Dog, My Soul Dog, Sunday Jean died in my arms, 9/27/22, 19.5 years later, I wore the same orange sundress I held him in 2003, at 2 months old:

"I wrapped your silenced furry body in the 101 Dalmations towel I used to dry you with as a baby, and the towel you slept upon my chest for the last month.

Long gone are the days I'd poke & probe your eyes of mucus, wash your paws after a walk, or wipe your bum bum after poopy.

You can finally rest now....

Life isn't the same without you my devoted, handsome, Sunday. It was like you were my child. Now I have to reinvent myself, my daily life, my dinners, my routine, without you.

I stalled for 6 months in 2003 when Nanee asked if I wanted you. Your ears, flipped back reminded me of Cauliflower ears of a tough prize fighter, you resembled the legendary actor & tough guy, Edward G. Robinson. It was the first thing I loved about you & your small, soft, curly, orange body...

But, I was afraid to commit knowing I would love you & then eventually lose you to death. 

I conceded & opened my heart. Like the Grinch, the joy cracked my heart wide open. Holding & caressing you, and big bro BG, little sis Lilly, and nervous nellie, Jake that spring of 2003 was the most healing love bomb ever. 

I was encompassed by your cuteness, playfullness, zest for life & new experiences. And it filled me up. 

I was empty after losing my mother one year earlier. The grief & sorrow, pain & suffering that was stacked upon each other in my heart for nerely 35 years...thrust open like flood gates.

You encountered days, weeks months, of my sadness, sorrow, hopelessness, inner longing & torment....until it finally healed.

Your presence, by my side as the grief bubbled to the surface, my cries to God, you witnessed it all.

Now, I am at the part I feared most; the death, the sorrow, the loss...of Y O U.

The final last hours together, I bent over you in the kitchen, you were wedged between my calves so that I could hold you still while wiping your bum bum. 

Then you raised one front paw and placed it atop my right foot, then placed your right paw ontop of my left foot. It was peculiar, n e v e r  in 19.5 years had you done that before. 

I stepped back to wipe you further, and with your two paws on my 2 feet you walked with me.

Immediately, I sensed you would always be there, walking with me.

I scooped you up & sat on the futon with you sitting propped up on my knee facing me, and explained,

"You haven't met God yet, but you have 'through me', while I prayed during our walks, in bed at night next to me, and perched on the boulders together at the shore of Duck Walk Beach in Long Island.

For hours I'd sit upon the cold, hard stone, transfixed by the blue horizon in the distance, where the sea meets the sky, searching for God, my late mother, my father, my sister. The sun warmed our skin, the wind kissed our face, the salt licked our lips. You patiently stood beside me, looking out.

Then said, "Now, you will meet God too."

You raised your right paw & placed it on the middle of my chest, on my heart. I looked down at it, sensing it was another sign, you heard me, & understood.

You became agitated and wanted to get down. I put you on the floor and I walked to the bathroom.

Within minutes, you found me and pushed open the door with your nose & looked up at me.

I was surprised, even in the last moments your were still thinking about me, always wanted your eyes on me.

The doctor arrived. I placed you back in my arms, your face pressed against my breast. You stopped coughing. The agitation evaporated. Light as a feather, your neck & head limp like a rag doll. Then you were gone....

I made a ring with your ashes, so you'll always be in my hand....when I walk, when I drive, when I eat, when I cry."

25.October.2022